Or as Groucho Marx sang in Animal Crackers,
"Hello, I must be going."
A wonderful economy with words these Hawaiians have making aloha mean both hello and goodbye. So when they sing along with The Beatles is it,
"You say aloha and I say aloha?"
But I say aloha to our Hawaiian friends and wish them a belated happy birthday for it was last Thursday that marked the 49th anniversary of Hawaii becoming a state and being introduced to the IRS. We hope those of you who made it here enjoy your trip to Gainesville, so I thought I'd give you a quick primer on some of the things you'll see during your weekend visit.
We have alligators. We have a lot of alligators. Sometimes they wander into backyard swimming pools. Sometimes they bribe desk clerks for hotel keys and sneak into your rooms. Just kidding. In the last 20 years I've only seen one alligator in Gainesville that wasn't in Lake Alice.
But it was huge.
Tom Petty really used to live here. He comes back occasionally but only to play concerts. We still claim him as if he lived in Haile Plantation. His cousin is the sheriff in town. No, this isn't Mayberry.
Yes, we live in this humidity year round. No, we never get used to it. Yes, that squirrel is sweating.
That guy wearing No. 15 isn't a left tackle or middle linebacker. It really is Tim Tebow.
We do hope you enjoy your trip here and we are all available for house swapping.
Now it's time for Dr. Football's first picks of the season. For you fans of the Hawaii team, Dr. Football is very akamai. We'll just keep that between us. The people who read this column on a regular basis don't have to know what that means.
Hawaii at Florida: Here is some bad news for the Warriors — Urban Meyer treats games like this as if the Gators were playing LSU. Not quite one of the three rivalry games, but with big-game intensity. He has been very serious all week. He believes you can come in here and knock his team off. So Florida will be ready. And did I mention the humidity? Florida, 48-17.
Alabama vs. Clemson: I think it's great that Alabama is playing a game in the Georgia Dome. It's been a long time since the Tide fans have seen the inside of the place. Clemson, 34-21.
Illinois at Missouri: How's this for irony? When Ron Zook was at Florida, his staff backed off recruiting Chase Daniel because of his height (6-foot in cleats).
"Larry Fedora said he was too short," Zook told me this week.
"That just goes to show you about the numbers." Daniel has turned into a Heisman Trophy finalist who has already beaten Illinois once. But I've got a feeling the Heisman hype doesn't get cranked this year. Illinois, 30-21.
Southern Cal at Virginia: Virginia won't name a starting quarterback from three candidates until game time which made me think of a conversation I had with the late Charley Pell. I asked him how many quarterbacks started for him in 1979. I told him the answer was five. He looked at me and asked how many quarterbacks started for him in 1979. I was confused. Then he growled,
"None." Same for Virginia. USC, 35-10.
Memphis at Mississippi: I've declared Ole Miss to be my sleeper team this year. Hopefully, the Rebels won't sleep late. Mississippi, 24-10.
Florida Atlantic at Texas: In the preseason, Howard Schnellenberger called Texas soft. Then he ate his Jell-O and went to bed at 7:30. Texas, 42-21.
Kentucky at Louisville: Now this is what I love about the first weekend of college football. A big rivalry game on Sunday. You go to church, have a big meal, mow the yard and settle in for an interesting game. Actually, it's more like you go to church, I have a big meal, you mow the yard and I settle in for an interesting game. Louisville, 19-17.
Tennessee at UCLA: Vols fans are calling the offense brought to Knoxville by new coordinator Dave Clawson the
"Clawffense." UCLA has a new coordinator in Norm Chow and considering the quarterbacks he's lost in the preseason, maybe his should be called
"Chow Down." Tennessee, 30-12.
Utah at Michigan: This could be that first big upset of the season. Michigan again? West Virginia fans would set their couches on fire. Michigan, 27-19.
Appalachian St. at LSU: If the Mountaineers pull this one off, they should be given immediate berth into a BCS bowl game. LSU, 34-24.